My mom & grandmother are here this week. Mom is splitting her time between Katie & I as her Spring break was last week & our is this week. My grandmother from Alaska is staying at my aunt's house until tomorrow. I get to pick her up & bring her to my house.
I love my family more than anything but I feel like big goof-ball when they are here. I am such a misfit & do not feel like a measure up to all the rest. I am not married....but have been. That is two strikes.....I have a teenage daughter who acts like a teenage daughter....nothing wrong with that but I am suppose to be keeping her in check. We all know that is like herding cats. Ajane is a wonderful young lady. But as her mother I am not leading a good example....strike three.
I feel the pressure days, weeks & months in advance. I let it effect how I handle my everyday life. I let it effect my relationships with my church family. I withdraw & attempt to secure the perimeter. My natural defense. As I sit here, I am ticked at myself.
Mom gave me an earful last night after services about me not leading a good example for Ajane' by piercing my ear, getting a tattoo & being so impulsive. I know that is my character flaw & I take the calculated risks. Am I a failure? Am I an embarrassment to my family? Am I a poor mother? I am just really down & can't see any light? On top of that I cried in front of Ashleigh last night. Didn't mean to but I hurt so bad. My heart is shredded.
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5 comments:
Oh, Kara! It hurts me so to hear how down you are....and it all revolves around your perception of your mother's perception of you.
My job as an art teacher is to give my students a mini critique each time I help them. It is my job to help them find what will make it better. I have to take them from where they are right now, and take them a step higher. Each one is at a different level of understanding, ability and talent. You know this because you teach. But our jobs as mothers is to take our daughters, wonderful as they are, and help bring them a step higher...some mothers are more subtle while others are like sledge hammers.
You are a wonderful mother, a wonderful Christian woman, a good example....I love you, dearly. When you are not in class, I look around for you and miss you whether or not you realize that.
Do not let your mothers words bring you down but rather listen to them and take them to heart with the understanding that she feels her job is to bring you a step up, no matter which step you are on. One of the most difficult and challenging times in your life is when you are raising a teenager but also, one of the most wonderful.
This mother says you are doing a great job! And none of us are perfect....especially this mother but I can not give up trying to get better.
Oh, Kara! (Appaently that is how you start a comment on this post.)
I'm SO sorry that things are difficult for you right now. I want to hug you so badly and just let you dump all of the junk you are feeling on me. I hope you will! I'll get there today and will be there until Thursday. Let Ajane have some "quality time" and we'll go get it out. You can even cry again if you want to. I may be awkward and not know what to say but I'll definitly have open ears while doing it.
You are so deeply loved!!!!
I have tears in my eyes as I read this and am feeling so bad... you were telling me about this Sunday and then we left soon after. I'm sorry you didn't get to vent... and let it all out. I'm glad Ash was there and that you got to share your load with her. I love you and am here
In through your nose, out through your mouth . . .
Remember, this too shall pass. And people can only make us feel as bad as we allow them. I know your Father - He's mine too. And I know your worth.
Sweet Kara - I have always been impressed with your relationship and love for Ajane; Darla is right when she says sometimes we mothers don't quite know how our words sound. My relationship with my mother was always better with miles between us.
You will see things better in a few days!
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